Are you married? About to marry? Are you terrified at the mere mention
of the name 'mother-in-law'? Do you feel a few drops of hot urine stream
down your panties when you hear your mother-in-law knocking at the
door? Well, I grew up in West Africa and I know that some mothers-in-law
are actually monsters-in-law (but that is not to say that all
daughters-in-law are angels). So, how do you become best of friends with
the mother of your husband and lover? Let's roll!
As a wife, it
is a great fear lurking in your heart, and you wonder: Will my
mother-in-law tear us apart? Will she hate me with passion? Or love me
like a daughter? What can I do? What will I do? Will he support her and
tell me to go to hell? Get a glass of chilled pineapple juice and relax!
I can feel your heart thumping already, and yeah, get a handkerchief
and wipe off the steamy sweat! The legendary war between mother-in-law
and daughter-in-law has been there from the beginning of time but with
wisdom, you will not only survive it, you will be a darling daughter to
your mama-in-law. Memorize these tips, girl!
1.
Never See Your Mother-In-Law As Your Rival: Actions
start from thoughts and you nursing such dangerous ideas will only lead
you astray. See her as who she is: your mother-in-law and the mother of
your husband, and hopefully, your newest female friend. She is NOT your
rival. Some ladies enter marriage with a nuclear arsenal and the
mindset of 'demolishing' their 'enemy'. Don't create problems for
yourself. As a woman thinketh in her heart, so she is. Yelz ke.
2.
Do Not Put Him In A Tight Corner:Some
ladies go to the silly extent of giving the guy an ultimatum or asking
that nauseating question to choose between you and his mother (like who
does that?) If you cannot differentiate between maternal love and
spousal love, then you are not ready to become a wife. Your roles are
different, distinct AND separate. It is also an idiotic or kpalasa
husband who will ask you to choose between him or your own mother. Water
and oil are both liquids, but they just don't mix. Hope you get that,
sweetheart? Next!
3.
Become A Detective: Huh? I don't
mean you have to take up a job with the FBI or the SSS, but hell yes,
get as much information as possible about your mother-in-law. Know her
preferences, understand her thinking, comprehend what she likes
(especially what will make her laugh no matter how angry she is) and
those things that really makes her go gaga with fury. Such CIA job
should not be too much for you to do for a woman you will be stuck with
for years. I said be a detective and not a spy....lol! Your hubby will
surely help you with that.
4.
Be Respectful And Courteous: According
to the Yorubas, ile oko, ile eko ni. What that means is that marriage
is a place to learn (especially manners, etiquette and good behaviour).
If you really love and respect your husband in the first place, you will
have no problem with this. If you are too pompous, arrogant or
downright disrespectful, you may as well stop reading here. In virtually
all the societies of the world, respecting your in-laws is very crucial
to having a warm relationship with them and stabilizing your own
marriage. However, I must mention something very important here: to be
respectful does not mean you should become a slave or servant. You are a
wife and you must always maintain your dignity. Do not be rude but be
firm. A daughter-in-law does not have the same spelling as a housemaid.
Hope you get my English?
5.
Never Make The Mistake:
Of what? Of pointing out a mistake, flaw or error of your mother-in-law
in front of your hubby. You are his wife and as a lady, there are much
more subtle and cunny ways to draw his attention. Do not criticize your
mother-in-law. Ridicule her, you ridicule your lover, and of course, the
granny of your kids. According to Shimon Peres, the Israeli President,
there are two things in life that you cannot achieve without closing a
bit of your eyes: peace and love. Let me rephrase that: the personal
lifestyle of your MIL is not your business.
6.
Do Not Be Too Forward: Inasmuch
as you are to be proactive when relating with your mother-in-law, do
not try too hard to impress. Do not go to her place everyday
(familiarity breeds contempt) but see her on special occasions or when
she requests to see your lovely face (with or without your husband and
kids). According to one of the 48 Laws of Power, scarcity will always
create value. If you don't believe that, why are diamonds much more
valued than stones and rocks? You will come out as fake and you may even
be suspected of having a hidden agenda if you are always trying too
hard. Remember how that girlfriend of yours irritates you with her fake
life? Be yourself, be natural and genuine. She will appreciate that.
7.
Let Her Know You Love Him: Yes,
forget the superficial jealousy, a mother-in-law will love you to
pieces when she knows that her son is in safe hands. But, that has to be
done with maturity. Every mother wants a good wife for her son but
their maternal instincts makes it difficult for them to just let go.
Blame the hormones. Prove to her (by your actions) that you are caring
enough and you will over-ride her instincts.
8.
Appreciate Her Gestures Of Kindness: Not
all mother-in-laws are devils. Some are really really very nice and
will love you immensely even before they meet you. Appreciate them and
not take them for granted.
9.
Discuss With Him: In a
case where your duties as a wife are being encroached by an overbearing
mother-in-law who will dictate what he eats or what he wears, register
your displeasure with him (but relate well with her). A loving husband
will come back to his senses, and a sensible hubby will not even allow
such a scenario in the first place.
10.
Place Yourself In Her Shoes: Know
that it hurts her and is a patch of mixed feelings. Yes, he is your
husband but it's still her son, even though she now knows that another
lady (YOU!) will now get all the attention and devotion that she has
received UNCHALLENGED for decades. She will subconsciously see you as a
coup-plotter ovethrowing her 'government', and displacing her from
power. Once you understand this, you should be smart enough to
sympathize with her by reacting with wisdom. In short, do not take
everything personal.
11.
Detach Yourself When It Gets Too Hot: If
she is still determined to give you a tough time and make life hell for
you, detach yourself emotionally and discuss with your husband. Just
know that some mother-in-laws are incorrigible and can never be
satisfied. Do not kill yourself over that. Maintain your distance but
never disrespect her or worsen the condition. At this point, your hubby
will do the rest of the healing.
12.
Gauge Yourself: Are
you wicked yourself? Yes, you. Stop rolling your eyes...lol! Is there
anything evil or indecent about you that is always pissing off your
mother-in-law? For the sake of your marriage and peace in your home,
assess yourself and make sure that there is no fault from your own side.
13.
Draw The Lines:You
married her son, and not her. Let her know when she is crossing the
boundaries. Do this compassionately and very subtly. Get clues from your
spouse. In the African setting, many mother-in-laws find it very easy
to intimidate wives who do not seem firm or do not even know the basic
responsibilities of a wife. But remember, in asserting your rights as a
wife, do it with the tact and skills of a diplomat. Don't get him
irritated.
14.
Sync Her Up With Your Own Mother: Mothers-in-law
suffer from the same 'son absence syndrome' and always understand
themselves better. Also, being of the same generation, age and
mentality, your MIL is more likely to get along better with your mother
than you, a 'flashy' babe of the 21st century. Let your mother handle
that aspect. A good relationship between the two women will only tip the
table in your favour, okay? Good.
15.
Communicate With Her: Did
your heart just skip a beat?! I hear some of the ladies saying 'Over my
dead body! I can't have anything to do with my mother-in-law'.
Remember, loving the honey and hating the bees is not only hypocritical,
it does not make sense. Choose your time very well, when she is in high
spirits and have a deep, mother-daughter discussion with her. Do not
avoid your MIL. You will only succeed in making yourself more of a
stranger (which was your status before).
16. Be kind and compassionate:
Especially if she is of frail health. You've got a mother too and one
day, you will also become a mother-in-law. Remember the Golden Rule, and
yeah, the Law of Karma.
17.
Chill: Most of the time,
mothers-in-law do not have any evil behind even the most mischievous of
their actions. They are only a bit insecure thinking that no person is
good enough for their child, or a woman has come to spoil the existing
mother-son relationship. Such a reaction is perfectly normal and
natural. Do not give yourself sleepless nights over that. Studies have
show that most of the time, they mean no harm.
18.
Prod Him On If Need Be: Make
sure your husband performs his roles and fulfills his responsibilities
as a child to parents. Apart from the fact that you will be laying a
very good foundation for your own kids, no one will accuse you of being a
callous wife who made him turn his back on his siblings and parents. Be
very firm and insistent on this. That he is madly in love with you does
not mean he should forget his source. Remind him if he drifts off, it
will be to your benefit.
19.
Do Not Let Your Ego Get In The Way: Do
not think twice before apologizing and making amends if you have
offended her. But do not degrade yourself for something you've never
done. Do not allow anyone to blackmail you into submission or surrender.
Funnily enough, she may find it difficult to apologize to you because
of many reasons. Do not take that to heart. It is the pride of a
mother-in-law.
20.
Avoid Arguments With Her: Oh, you
prefer to cook meat by boiling it and she prefers steaks? Do not drag
the issue needlessly. Calmly agree. Remember arguments with even your
own Mom do not always come out nicely. It is better to lose an argument
to your mother-in-law than for you to lose your mother-in-law to an
argument. Use your head and keep your debating skills for your
girlfriends (especially if you are a lawyer...lmao!)
21.
Always See The Good Side Of Your MIL: Positivity helps. Avoid being judgmental. You cannot form that bond of love if you are always judging her.
22.
Let Her Mingle With Her Grandchildren Freely. Studies
have shown that mother-in-laws actually see your own kids as 100%
theirs! If she wants to pamper them to high heavens and take them out
and have them to herself all day long at the beach, just let them go.
You will even have the whole house to yourself and your husband! And
what can be better than that? #winks!
23.
Pray, pray and PRAY!+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For
those who think MILs are overbearing, you need to realize that she
actually made him who he is. She fed him, suffered for him, was hurt
because of him, kept him safe and warm, watched him grow...all these
understandably makes her possessive (she has the right to), and that is
normal (are you not jealously possessive of your hubby even without all
these, yes, you now gerrit). She may also be afraid or insecure that she
will grow old and the son she has laboured for all her life will forget
and abandon her. As a daughter-in-law, ease all these fears, see things
through her lenses and you become best of friends!
Remember
that even the strongest of marriages can be destroyed with inlaw
troubles. Be smart, diplomatic and calm in all your dealings. A friendly
disposition will go a long way to helping you and making friends out of
your enemies. Atimes, you may need to work very hard to make it work
but do not give up because it is worth it.
This post is
specially dedicated to our readers who are married or planning to marry
.Very best of wishes and warm regards to your mother-in-law! 
.jpg)
.jpg)
